Unwell Season 4/Episode 4- Dog Day Crafternoon
by Jessica Best
Small gifts for the ones we love
It's time for a heist
We have to stop lying to each other.
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Content Advisories for this episode can be found here.
Support Unwell and HartLife NFP on Patreon at www.patreon.com/hartlifenfp
This episode features: Anuja Vaidya as Norah, Kat Hoil as Abbie, Clarisa Cherie Rios as Lily, Amelia Bethel as Marisol, Corrbette Pasko as Maureen, Pat King as Chester, Miles Buha as Jamie, Leeman Kessler as Arthur Warren, Joshua K Harris as Detective Farrow.
Written by Jessica Best, sound design by Eli Hamada McIlveen, directed by June Thiele, theme music composed by Stephen Poon, recording engineer Mel Ruder, associate producer Ani Enghdahl, Theme performed by Stephen Poon, Lauren Kelly, Gunnar Jebsen, Travis Elfers, Mel Ruder, and Betsey Palmer, Unwell lead sound designer Eli Hamada McIlveen, Executive Producers Eleanor Hyde and Jeffrey Nils Gardner, by HartLife NFP.
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NORAH (DISAPPOINTED)
Nothing.
ABBIE (THROUGH DOOR)
Are you ready yet?
NORAH
Nearly!
ABBIE (THROUGH DOOR)
We were due downstairs fully five minutes ago. Lily said--
NORAH
Lily said “Meet me in the kitchen at four tomorrow,” you told me that already. We still don’t know why?
ABBIE (THROUGH DOOR)
No.
NORAH
Well, speaking as someone who waited in the observatory for over a century, I’m comfortable rounding down.
ABBIE (THROUGH DOOR)
Six minutes. What are you doing?
NORAH
An experiment.
ABBIE
Can I come in?
NORAH
It is your room.
DOOR OPENS.
ABBIE
You’re not building a potato battery in here, are you?
NORAH
No. A what? Is that even possible? Could it be, if you putelectrodes on either end and--?
No. Something far more straightforward.
I suppose--given that I am a creature of, of “ectoplasm,” if you will--
ABBIE
About that.
NORAH
I know, I hesitate to use the term, too, since it was coined by those
spiritualist charlattans, but we don’t have better vocabulary for the
matter that makes me up and I refuse to say I am formed out of
“ghostly stuff.”
ABBIE
I meant, did Wes tell you? About seeing young Lily?
NORAH
He did.
ABBIE
Which is to say, you’re not a ghost.
NORAH
Which is to say, I would need to observe the child-Lily anomaly for
myself before jumping to any conclusions.
ABBIE
What’s there to--Norah, we saw it happen.
NORAH
At an hour when people tend to doze off.
ABBIE
There were three of us.
NORAH
I’m only saying--
ABBIE
Maybe this is a deep-seated fear of change in action.
NORAH
Again, I lived a largely static existence for over a century. I welcome change.
(SWITCHING GEARS.) Case in point. My experiment. I wanted to
see if it was possible to adjust my appearance a little.
ABBIE
There’s nothing wrong with your appearance.
NORAH
I know that, but I--(MORE SUPRISED THAN ANYTHING) was that a compliment?
ABBIE
Neutral observation.
NORAH
You know well there is no such thing. (A BEAT) I just-- I want
dungarees. Or rather, “jeans.”
ABBIE
Did you know “dungarees'' came from India? At least, the first
fabric we used for them, this coarse calico from a village near
Mumbai. We get the word for the overalls, a precursor to the
trousers, from the cloth, which was called--
NORAH
Dungri.
ABBIE (A LITTLE EMBARASSED)
You knew.
NORAH
I knew the word. And my father did sail on a merchant ship, he
might have mentioned it at some point.
ABBIE (DYING)
...did I just whitesplain dungarees to you?
NORAH
I’m not familiar with the word, but context suggests yes.
ABBIE
Look, I’m sorry, I--
NORAH
Don’t have a fit about it, that simply makes this about you.
ABBIE (AWKWARD)
Fair enough. Uh, why do you want jeans?
NORAH
Curiosity, perhaps. And in case Lily’s cause takes us out of the house, I want to try blending in.
ABBIE
You can literally turn invisible.
NORAH
I’ve been unseen, and I have been stared at and fled from. I would
like to be benevolently ignored.
Do you know if Wes can manifest clothing? He must be able to,
right? He’s worn different clothes throughout the seasons and you
said he only recently started using his wages.
ABBIE
Plus, his shoes are definitely modern.
NORAH
There must be some trick to it that’s evading me.
LILY (CALLING UP THE STAIRS)
Hey, are you coming?
ABBIE (CALLING DOWN)
In a minute! (TO NORAH) Well, in the
meantime, do you want to borrow some clothes? I just did laundry.
NORAH
I suppose that is one way forward.
ABBIE
Clean jeans, belts, and shirts are in the third and fourth drawers in
the dresser behind you. And, uh, maybe talk to Lily about the rest.
NORAH
The rest?
ABBIE
I’m assuming you won’t be wearing an S-bend corset with your jeans.
NORAH
Right, yes. I have existed in some form for so long, I might as well
try twisting from the waist.
TRANSITION
ABBIE (CALLING UP THE STAIRS)
Seventeen minutes!
NORAH (CALLING DOWN THE STAIRS)
The modern brassiere requires a great deal of fiddling!
ABBIE (TO LILY)
Is Dot not coming?
LILY
I asked her. I think--uh. Mom seems to be having kind of a thing with Russell Epstein?
MARISOL
Really? Nice.
LILY
She hasn’t brought it up, but we hosted book group at our house
last night and there was definitely some significant eye contact
going on. At one point, they were whispering together, but they
stopped when I came in. And then this morning, she was very
cagey about where she was gonna be today.
At this point, I’m kinda hoping it’s a date. It’d be nice to think
Mom’s still got a few new adventures left.
MARISOL
Aw, that’s sweet.
FOOTSTEPS DOWN THE STAIRS
NORAH
Did we assemble to discuss your mother’s suitors, or--?
LILY
Now that everyone is here and dressed...
MARISOL
Hi there! Nice to meet you.
NORAH
We’ve met.
MARISOL
Oh, so sorry, yeah. You’re Rudy’s friend, Norah, the observatory ghost.
NORAH
I’m no longer bound to the observatory, Dr. Peltham and I haven’t
been speaking, and apparently there is some controversy as to
whether or not I even am a ghost. But I am named Norah. So. One
out of four.
LILY
Okay, last night, I was talking with Maureen DeSouza about the
craft fair--
MARISOL
RIP.
LILY (HEDGING)
Before you say that...
MARISOL
Lily, it’s definitely cancelled. None of the sponsors wanted to set
up by the wolves guarding town hall, and half the town doesn’t
wanna get close anyway.
LILY
Okay, yeah, it’s cancelled. But I’ve been thinking, there were
plenty of Crafternoons before you moved here. And then Mom
mentioned that Maureen used to do little behind-the-scenes home
movies every year, so I called in a favor...
I know it’s not the same, but I was thinking, what’s old is new
again?
MARISOL (APPROVINGLY)
A retro craft fair. A throwback.
LILY
Yeah. If that--helps? It was really nice of her.
MARISOL
Lily, that is so cool of you. I--thank you.
ABBIE
VCR’s already all set up. Your mom was looking at family
mementos a few days ago.
LILY
Oh yeah, I guess it’s “Dig Up Old Footage” Week at Fenwood. But
no, Maureen digitized everything, we just need to visit the town
website.
ABBIE
If that’s all we’re doing here--
MARISOL
“All”? I’ve heard some pretty cool stories of the Rube Goldberg
devices Russell’s wife built in the nineties.
ABBIE
Russell’s married?
MARISOL
Was. She’s been dead since at least when I moved here.
NORAH
And she stayed dead?
LILY
Most people do.
NORAH
What’s a Rube Goldberg device?
MARISOL
Imagine a machine built to do a simple task in the least efficient way possible.
NORAH
Why?
MARISOL
Because it’s funny. We’re talking a falling spoon sets off a mouse
trap, which pushes a roller skate into a windchime, which knocks a
ball off a table, and on and on and on--
NORAH
That does sound diverting, if pointless.
LILY
Abbie, you were saying?
ABBIE
I’ll start up the house computer.
TRANSITION
ABBIE
Alright, back to the salt mines.
ABBIE BEGINS TO TYPE OUT A
WEBSITE AND CLICKS.
ABBIE
Welcome to Mount Absalom online, the most outdated local
government website post-ARPANET.
NORAH
Why are you...this appears to be for children.
LILY
How many opinions on web design can you have?
NORAH
There are illustrations and a great deal of color. And the style of the letters looks...friendly.
ABBIE
Comic sans. One of the more controversial fonts.
MARISOL
The worst, you mean.
ABBIE
Exhibit A.
NORAH
Going by the copyright at the bottom, it’s only been a few
decades, have things truly changed that much? Oh, go to
“Resources”! There!
ABBIE
Don’t touch the screen, it’s a monitor, not a tablet.
NORAH
You must understand how little those words mean to me.
ABBIE
The Resources page is just four audio clips of interviews with town
elders, and then a small animation of a construction worker
digging.
NORAH
Alright, ah, dead end. So to speak. Let’s try “Events”
ABBIE
You know, I am a researcher. I do this professionally.
NORAH
Yes, and I spent years patiently navigating the dampest libraries in
England, some of them still pre-Dewey Decimal, with the librarian
less than pleased at the prospect of helping someone who looked
like me. One learns to find one’s feet quickly.
ABBIE (PERSUADED)
...let’s try “Events.”
A MOUSE CLICKS.
LILY
Ooh, it says update!
NORAH
Yes, with the--are those animations of spinning flames?
MARISOL
At least there’s no Papyrus. Wait, scroll down? (PAPYRUS
SIGHTED) Yep. Okay.
LILY
Aaaand we have video. Maximize it?
MOUSE CLICK.
LILY
Alright, Crafternoon ‘96 is a go.
MOUSE CLICK. THE RECORDING
STARTS. VARIOUS BOOTHS ARE
SETTING UP. MAYBE A FEW THINGS
BEING NAILED OR TAPED. SOME
FOOTSTEPS.
NORAH
Color motion-pictures. It does not get old.
MAUREEN
It’s eight in the morning on the day we’ve all been waiting for. Nice
weather, not a cloud in the sky. The exhibitors are just setting up
their booths.
THE “RRRRR” OF A CHAINSAW
MAUREEN
Mary Lou Weinberg, as you can see, making an ice sculpture
of--what is that, Mary Lou?
“RRRRRRR”
MAUREEN
You know what, let’s not disturb her at the moment, that looks like
delicate work.
This cluster of booths over here is the fiber arts section. We’ve got
quilts, we’ve got woven wall hangings--
LILY
Oh wow, those are really good. I worked at a weaving studio for a
month, but they didn’t have anything like that.
MAUREEN
We’ve got scarves and I believe those are potholders, and hats.
Love the green one, Eugenia. See the little felted celery leaves?
Let me...zoom in here. See?
That’s craftsmanship. Craftswomanship? ...craftspeopleship?
ABBIE
Points for trying, Maureen.
MAUREEN (DECIDING)
That’s crafting. Next to them is, of course, the
woodworking booth. Mount A is the place to be if you want a
cutting board shaped like a pig or a cat! Adorable! Looks like
they’ve got a display of the jig they used to make it--
MARISOL
Okay, that’s ingenious.
MAUREEN
A few booths still setting up. We have a collection of local
photography, donated to us by the late Grant Fenwood, RIP and
his partner, Tim. (MAUREN PAUSES AWKWARDLY; SHE CAN’T
SAY “RIP” SINCE HE DIDN’T DIE.) So long, Tim.
And here we’ve got Helen Ogleby’s watercolor paintings, always a
hit.
Oh hey, the star of tonight’s Founder’s Day pageant himself!
ABBIE
Isn’t that usually in August?
LILY
The Delphics hold the pageant--
ABBIE
--whenever they feel like it, right.
MAUREEN
I see you’ve got your costume ready. How are you feeling?
TEEN CHESTER (CONSUMED BY NERVOUSNESS)
Uh, looking forward to it!
MAUREEN
Got all your lines memorized?
TEEN CHESTER
Uh, I’ve been practicing all week, so. I hope so.
MAUREEN
You’re gonna do Mount Absalom proud. Chester Warren, everybody!
CLICK. CLIP PAUSES
LILY
Oh my god, it is.
MARISOL
I didn’t recognize him with that bowlcut.
ABBIE
Another horrifyingly whitewashed pageant. Joy.
MARISOL
Literally whitewashed; what’s with the skull facepaint? Who is he
supposed to be?
ABBIE
The suit looks early 1800’s.
NORAH
It must’ve taken considerable time to make. Nobody had that sort of thing lying around even by my era.
CLICK. CLIP RESUMES, AS DO ALL THE
BACKGROUND NOISES.
MAUREEN
So, can you give us a preview of what we’ll be seeing tonight? What’s this one called?
TEEN CHESTER
“The Day Wisdom and Water Overcame Fire and Chaos”
MAUREEN
Starring our own Chester Warren, as…?
TEEN CHESTER
Grandpa Art’s taking the pageant in a different direction this year.
He, uh, he says we’ve come to consume our history with too much
of a rose-tinted, blunted-down, apple-eyed view.
ABBIE
He’s not wrong.
TEEN CHESTER
I’m playing the villain.
I’m the Revelator.
LILY
What the fuck? Go back.
CLICK, CLICK.
TEEN CHESTER
--playing the villain.
I’m the Revelator.
MAUREEN (NOT UNDERSTANDING)
Well, break a leg!
TEEN CHESTER
Oh, uh, not to spoil anything, by the end of the play, the Revelator
has a lot more to worry about than a leg.
MAUREEN
Duly noted. Alright, next up is a real treat, we’ve got Bonnie
Buckley’s homemade rock candy.
VCR PAUSES
MARISOL
The Revelator.
ABBIE
“The Day Wisdom and Water Overcame Fire and Chaos”
LILY
What are the odds that the ‘96 pageant is the story of Silas Lodge being forced from the town?
And if it is, what are the odds that knowing how they did it before
might help us convince him to leave again?
NORAH
Are we certain that these Delphics understood what happened the
first time? If they know how to expel this man--
LILY
He’s not a man. He’s like you.
NORAH
From what I’ve heard, he’s nothing like me.
LILY
Scroll down, did Maureen happen to upload the 1996 town pageant?
MARISOL
No.
ABBIE
You didn’t look.
MARISOL
Spikes had to get special permission to shoot the pageant last
year. Usually the only copy is stored in Chester’s office.
LILY
Too bad we’re on such shaky ground with the Delphics. If the
pageant is anything important, I really doubt he’s gonna let us look at it.
MARISOL
Besides, Town Hall is closed today. It’s Sunday.
ABBIE
So, nobody around.
MARISOL (AGREEING)
No.
ABBIE
Town Hall. No cameras, no sensors.
LILY
Abbie, are you saying what I think you’re saying?
ABBIE
A person could pick the door lock with a credit card. Theoretically.
NORAH
Well. I’m already dressed for an outing.
LILY (QUICKLY)
I’ll get the meat.
TRANSITION.
FOUR PEOPLE CLIMB OUT OF A CAR
AND SHUT THE DOORS.
LILY
Town Hall.
A WOLF GROWLS.
MARISOL
And the Town Hall wolves. Ready, Lily?
LILY
Hang on. I didn’t stop to think about how close together the
buildings are here. If I throw the meat far enough to give us time to
get to the door, that means luring the wolves to like, the Movie Knight, or the bank.
NORAH
That does seem irresponsible.
LILY
I know they haven’t hurt anyone yet, but that doesn’t mean they
won’t.
ABBIE (DELIBERATE BREATHING)
LILY
Abbie?
ABBIE (QUIETLY)
There’s a back door.
MARISOL
What?
ABBIE
I’ve studied all the blueprints for the buildings downtown. This one
has a back door.
NORAH
Abbie, are you alright?
ABBIE
Throw the--throw the meat at the front, and we can sneak around back.
LILY
Okay.
A BAG OF BISON BURGERS IS THROWN
APPROXIMATELY AT THE DOOR. THE
WOLVES BEGIN TO CHOW DOWN. IT’S
GROSS.
MARISOL
Run!
FOUR SETS OF RUNNING FOOTSTEPS
AROUND THE BUILDING.
LILY
They’re not following--
MARISOL
Let’s not risk it.
NORAH
Wait, what am I doing?
NORAH DISAPPEARS. THREE SETS OF
FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE AND SKID TO A
STOP BY THE BACK DOOR. NORAH
REAPPEARS.
NORAH
The lock. Quickly.
ABBIE
Yeah.
ABBIE ATTEMPTS TO PICK THE LOCK
WITH A CREDIT CARD.
ABBIE
This works on the front, Lily, why doesn’t it work--
LILY
Let me see.
ABBIE (FRUSTRATED NOISE)
Shit, I dropped it. Where--
MARISOL
Here.
ABBIE
Thanks.
ABBIE CONTINUES THEIR ATTEMPT.
LILY
Abbie, I know there’s no cameras, but if someone physically sees
you breaking into a building, that’s not gonna be great for any of
us, so if we could speed it up--
ABBIE
Do you have your lockpick tools on you?
LILY
You said you could get it with a credit card!
ABBIE
It’s a different lock on the back.
NORAH
Hang on.
NORAH DISAPPEARS.
NORAH REAPPEARS ON THE OTHER
SIDE OF THE DOOR, UNLOCKS IT, AND
OPENS IT.
NORAH
Now if you’ll tell me the approximate location of Chester Warren’s
office?
ABBIE
I’ll show you.
NORAH
I can literally disappear if someone’s coming. I am the ideal
individual for the job.
ABBIE
Okay, yes, but counterpoint: white privilege. It’s a simple matter of
“Gosh, the door was unlocked so I thought Town Hall was open
today--”
LILY
Abbie, how many buildings have you broken into?
NORAH
Give me the directions, I can do it.
ABBIE (SIGHS)
LILY
Abbie?
ABBIE
...I don’t want to be outside with the wolves, okay? I didn’t think it
would still--I don’t want to.
MARISOL
Is everything…?
ABBIE
And I don’t want to talk about why, and the longer we all stand around here…
NORAH
Alright. Quickly!
ABBIE STEPS THROUGH THE DOOR,
WHICH CLOSES BEHIND THEM.
FOOTSTEPS ON A TILE HALL.
ABBIE
Down that hallway.
NORAH
Right.
ABBIE
This way.
NORAH
This is an old building, isn’t it?
ABBIE
The original section is from 1879.
NORAH
Before my time, even.
ABBIE
You’re not that old.
NORAH
Everyone I knew is long-dead. (A PAUSE) Still, chin up. So am I.
ABBIE
If you don’t want to talk about it--
NORAH
Any more than you wish to discuss why you’re suddenly afraid of
wolves.
ABBIE
I’m not afraid of wolves. It’s just. Complicated. Through here.
NORAH
Wait a tic--
ABBIE
Before you do your disappearing/reappearing move--
DOOR OPENS
NORAH
It wasn’t even locked?
ABBIE
You’d be surprised how often that’s the case.
NORAH
Burglary is considerably easier than I was led to believe.
STEPS INTO THE ROOM.
NORAH
Wow.
ABBIE
Wall-to-wall boxes.
NORAH
It’s like a cave. What thieves would have the patience?
ABBIE
Well.
NORAH (AGREEING)
Us.
TRANSITION. OUTSIDE, A ROBIN SINGS.
LILY
How much longer do you think they’re going to be?
MARISOL
Maybe Chester’s office is really hard to find?
LILY
Abbie knows the blueprints.
MARISOL
If something happened, one of them would call us, right?
LILY
I don’t know if either of them are great at asking for help. Oh shit.
MARISOL
What? (SEEING) Hey, Chester.
FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.
CHESTER
Afternoon, Marisol, Lily. Lurking by the back entrance to Town
Hall, I see. It almost feels like you’re up to something.
LILY
Just taking a walk. Enjoying a little shade.
CHESTER
Taking a walk right past the wolf-infested front entryway?
MARISOL
Really gets the heart rate up. Great for cardio.
CHESTER
If you like being menaced by canines. Well, I’ll leave you to it--
DOOR STARTS TO OPEN.
LILY
Wait--
DOOR CLOSES. CHESTER HAS NOT
WALKED THROUGH.
LILY
How have you been doing your job through all this?
CHESTER
With discretion, and a pocketful of jerky.
LILY
Every day?
CHESTER
The wolves don’t seem to pay much attention to me either way,
the jerky is just a precaution. And obviously, Take Your Child To
Work Day has been postponed indefinitely. Now, if you’ll excuse
me--
DOOR STARTS TO OPEN
CHESTER’S CELLPHONE STARTS
RINGING.
MARISOL
You should take that. Reception’s terrible in the hall.
CHESTER ACCEPTS THE CALL.
CHESTER
Hey Lou, I’m at work, I can’t-- (PAUSE) Jamie, bud, give the
phone back to Mom.
LILY
Hi, Jamie!
CHESTER
I really need to-- (PAUSE) Okay, but only for a minute.
BEEP.
CHESTER
Lily, Marisol, you’re on speaker.
JAMIE (SPEAKERPHONE)
Hiiiiii!
LILY
Hey there!
JAMIE (SPEAKERPHONE)
Hey Lily, when are you gonna come over and
tell knock-knock jokes? I’ve got a popsicle. (PAUSE) Oops.
LILY
Soon, Jamie, okay? I can’t right now, though. I’ve gotta do boring grownup stuff.
JAMIE (SPEAKERPHONE)
But you’re not a grownup, you’re a kid!
MARISOL
How do you figure?
JAMIE (SPEAKERPHONE)
She plays like a kid, she’s funny like a kid,
and she lives with her mom like a kid.
LILY
Oof.
MARISOL (DELIGHTED)
Ouch.
JAMIE (SPEAKERPHONE)
What?
CHESTER
Jamie, Dad and Marisol and Lily have to go now, but get Mom to
help you clean up the mess.
JAMIE (SPEAKERPHONE)(INNOCENT)
What popsicle? (REALIZES HIS FATAL ERROR) I mean.
CHESTER
I’ll see you in a few hours, okay? Be good.
JAMIE (SPEAKERPHONE)
But I don’t wanna be good, I wanna be a
pirate-cowboy surfer mazemaster!
BEEP.
CHESTER
Then be the best pirate-cowboy maze…(PAUSE) pirate-cowboy
surfer mazemaster you can be, now please put your mom back
on. (PAUSE) Hey, hon. Pretty sure I left it under the sink. (PAUSE)
I shouldn’t be too long, just need to tie up a few loose ends. Love
you.
CALL ENDS. DOOR STARTS TO OPEN.
LILY
Chester, uh…
MARISOL (RUSHED)
Before you go in, just a few quick questions
(INVENTING) about my business license.
DOOR CLOSES.
CHESTER
You’re kidding me.
MARISOL
I was thinking, now that Maureen’s serving coffee, maybe I should
start selling wine at the shop. Y’know, during evening hours.
LILY
Vinyl and vino.
MARISOL
We’ve been working on the tagline.
CHESTER
I have fifteen minutes of work I need to do, can I just--(BREATHES
OUT) Do you have any idea how much paperwork you’d need for
that?
MARISOL
No. (PAUSE) Tell me.
TRANSITION
ABBIE AND NORAH EACH SEARCH
THROUGH CARDBOARD BOXES AS
THEY TALK.
NORAH
Why are you doing this?
ABBIE
I said I didn’t want to be--
NORAH
No, not entering the building. Why are you involved with this
scheme at all? I thought you disliked wild goose chases.
ABBIE
I do.
NORAH
You went along with it awfully quickly.
ABBIE
Maybe I want to see what kind of a pageant Arthur Warren put
together. Why are you doing this?
NORAH
I don’t know. I suppose in an odd way, without the observatory
pinning me down on all sides, I feel a bit--
ABBIE
Lost?
NORAH
That sounds melodramatic.
ABBIE
My therapist would say dramatic words exist for a reason.
NORAH (DERISIVELY)
Therapy.
ABBIE (BRISTLING)
I know you come from a different time, but if you’re
going to take issue with that--
NORAH
Oh, bully for you if it helps, I simply never saw the appeal.
“Here, take this cocaine and allow me to tell you why every one of
your problems stems from penis envy.”
ABBIE (DISMISSIVELY)
That was Freud.
NORAH
I know, I was alive at the time.
ABBIE
For the record, neither aspect is part of modern practice.
NORAH
Really. What does that leave?
ABBIE
It’s more about getting a second opinion and learning useful
strategies from a well-trained, objective third party.
NORAH
That sounds almost shockingly methodological.
ABBIE
It is a science.
NORAH
“The brotherhood of inquiry.” Testing each other’s theories,
sharpening each other’s methods, creating a community which
aims to illuminate the unknown, together.
ABBIE
That hasn’t been my experience of the sciences.
NORAH
Nor mine. There were groups, clubs, while I was designing my
telescope, but well. I suppose the first time I truly got a taste of
that was--
ABBIE
What?
NORAH
Dr. Peltham.
ABBIE
Right.
NORAH
Do you miss him?
ABBIE
No.
NORAH
Don’t lie to a dead person, Abbie. It’s tacky.
ABBIE
...sometimes. (A BEAT) You?
NORAH
Thankfully, I have the capacity to miss someone and be extremely
annoyed by them at the same time. What are those?
FILM REELS RATTLE. THE BOX IS
CLOSED AND REPLACED. OTHER
BOXES ARE OPENED AND CLOSED AS
THEY TALK.
ABBIE
Apparently, they’ve made audio recordings of every town meeting
since the forties. I wonder what figures of speech they used back
then.
NORAH
Focus.
ABBIE
It’s just. It’s so much data.
NORAH
You wish you could come in here with a wheelbarrow, don’t you?
ABBIE
How’d you--
NORAH
I told you about me and libraries, right? When I was alive…
(SIGHS) Or, as you’d have it, when the apparition that I am falsely
remembers being alive…
ABBIE
If you don’t want to talk about it, why do you keep bringing it up?
NORAH
I don’t want to. But I think I must.
TRANSITION
CHESTER
...and that’s not even getting into what you’ll need if you want to
actually serve wine on the premises.
MARISOL
Let’s say we do. Lily, have you ever bartended before?
LILY
Once or twice?
CHESTER
Is this a prank? (DEEP BREATH) In Ohio, that’s permit class D1
and it costs something like five hundred dollars. The first step
would be to…
TRANSITION
NORAH
You know, I was--I don’t know if “comfortable” is the right word,
exactly, but there was a certain clarity to being a ghost. If we
accept that you saw a figure of someone from the past but who
was not currently dead, where does that leave me? Some sort of
ambiguous liminal space between one state and another. Terrible.
ABBIE
Eh, there are worse places to be. (A BEAT) Nonbinary humor.
Are you that attached to being ectoplasm?
NORAH
I remember being Norah Tendulkar. I remember it so clearly. I
remember the feel of chalk in my hand, the dark of the night sky
and the brightness of the stars, the satisfaction of reaching the
answer to an equation. I don’t want that person to be gone.
I’m real. I exist. I can talk and generate new ideas and wear
trousers if I so choose. (WISTFUL) “Ghost” was so simple.
ABBIE
So was the earth-centered model of the solar system.
NORAH
Actually, to account for the relative movements of the other
planets, the geocentric model gets increasingly complicated the
longer you look at it. Spiraling planets. It’s a mess.
Are you familiar with the expression Occam’s Razor?
ABBIE (DRYLY)
Assume yes.
How could it possibly be that the simplest theory is Marisol, Dot,
and I all having simultaneous, identical hallucinations?
NORAH
Hmm.
ABBIE
What?
NORAH What do the young version of Lily that you saw, Tim, Joey, Wes,
and I all have in common?
ABBIE
You seem headed in a specific direction with this. What?
NORAH
We’re all--not dead, not dead necessarily, but gone. If we are
each--copies, like a set of mimeographed papers, then the original
source is no more. We arrive on the scene after.
ABBIE
Like a reprise.
NORAH
Like a reverberation.
We’re not ghosts at all. We’re echoes.
ABBIE
That...does make a certain degree of sense.
NORAH
Well, enough dilly-dallying. Lily and Marisol are waiting.
THE FILM REELS BOX IS CLOSED AND
REPLACED. A BOX IS SLID OUT.
NORAH
This entire box is just marked “For August H”.
ABBIE
A lot happened in August, apparently.
MORE BOXES ARE SLID OUT AS NORAH
SPEAKS.
NORAH
Fishing, Celery Festival, Celery Festival, Local Permits A through
J, this box simply says “Grampa”, Celery Festival...
ABBIE
Norah, if you want to use your library navigation skills, now would
be an excellent time.
NORAH
First step is to think about who did the organizing. Presumably
Chester Warren.
ABBIE
Given that Arthur Warren wrote the pageant, do we think maybe…
NORAH
“Grampa”? Open it.
A BOX IS OPENED. ITS CONTENTS ARE
PUSHED AROUND.
NORAH
Well?
ABBIE
A lot of papers and photographs, a hat, what seems to be a small
pitcher of some sort...wait, a tape.
NORAH
But is it our tape?
ABBIE
TDWWOFC.
NORAH
Is that...modern slang, or--?
ABBIE
It’s initials.
NORAH
TDWW...“The Day Wisdom and Water Overcame Fire and Chaos”
TRANSITION
CHESTER
--which you of course need to file with the proper authorities. Now
if you don’t mind, I need to go do the thing I came here to do--
LILY
Wait!
CHESTER
You know what? No.
DOOR OPENS.
LILY (QUICKLY)
We came here for the water.
CHESTER
You what?
LILY
Water?
CHESTER (COVERING FOR HIS SURPRISE BADLY)
Yes, well, drinking
fountains are off-limits until the building opens to the public on
Monday, assuming you can get past the--
LILY
No. I need the special water. Water from the Hall?
DOOR SHUTS.
CHESTER
You have, you have no way of knowing about that--
MARISOL
And yet.
CHESTER PULLS OUT HIS PHONE AND
DIALS A NUMBER.
CHESTER
Hazel? Where are you right now? We need to...
CHESTER WALKS AWAY QUICKLY.
MARISOL
Good thinking, whatever that was.
LILY
Yeah, I was totally punting.
MARISOL
What water are we talking about?
LILY
No idea. Mom was telling me “water from the hall” was part of
some old rhyme Eliza Fenwood wrote in her journal or something,
and she and Wes figured it probably meant Town Hall.
MARISOL
Chester seemed pretty freaked out.
LILY
Yeah, well. Apparently you also need “water from the hill” for it to mean anything.
MARISOL
Water from the--like the observatory?
LILY
That’s the guess.
MARISOL
From the gutters?
LILY
Abbie found an old baptismal font below the hole in the floor, but it
dried up years ago.
MARISOL
Still, at least your mom is sharing that stuff with you now.
LILY
Yeah.
MARISOL
Always nice to be on the same team.
DOOR OPENS.
NORAH
We found it!
LILY
Good, let’s go.
TRANSITION
A VCR TAPE STARTS UP.
THE TOWN
--For in thy green and growing arms,
We have everything we need!
CHAIRS SCOOT AS THE TOWN TAKES
THEIR SEATS.
ARTHUR
Thank you again for coming. We now present the Cricket Scouts,
the junior chapter of our very own Delphic Order, and their
production of this year’s pageant. (CLEARS THROAT)
“Though the valley is green and the valley is lush, we stand upon
a rocky precipice, with stakes every bit as harrowing as that of a
lone climber, teetering upon the edge of the highest,
roughest-hewn cliff. So too, did our predecessors once stand, as
they contemplated a most uncertain future. For this humble town
once faced a figure known as the Revelator--
TEEN CHESTER
People of Mount Absalom, hear me now! Your days of peace are
behind you.
ARTHUR
He was aided by the traitorous townsfolk he held in his thrall.
KIDS
Death, death!
TEEN CHESTER
The altar shall be watered red with blood tonight!
KIDS
BLOOD.
ARTHUR
But not all of the people of Mount Absalom fell so easily to the
influence of the Revelator. A brave few met in secret, and devised
a plan. First, they would--
THE VCR CUTS OFF AND A NEW
RECORDING STARTS
90’s BACKGROUND MUSIC.
90’s ANNOUNCER
He’s bold, he’s brash, and he’ll do whatever it takes to get to the
bottom of the mystery.
DETECTIVE FARROW
Tell me where the diamonds are, or meet my fist!
PUNCHING SOUND.
LILY
Okay, what the hell is this?
90’s ANNOUNCER
He’s...FARROW, coming up next.
VCR PAUSES.
MARISOL (GRIM)
The 90’s Detective Farrow reboot. Fast-forward, did they
tape over the whole thing?
ABBIE
Let’s see.
FAST-FORWARDING SOUNDS.
LILY
I can’t believe this.
MARISOL
It really loses the charm of the original.
FAST-FORWARDING STOPS
MARISOL
Looks like...it’s 90’s Farrow all the way down.
LILY
Dammit. That was a bust. Sorry, everyone.
MARISOL
At least we learned the Town Hall has secret water. Or had it at
some point. Did you notice a pump out back?
LILY
Could be anything. We’ll have to report back to Mom.
You’re right, it is nice to be on the same team. No secrets.
MARISOL
Except about her date today with Russell Epstein.
NORAH
What?
LILY
The reason she’s not here? Her suitor, Russell Epstein? And I
think I’m fine not getting all the details on that.
MARISOL
Back to the craft fair?
LILY
Who knew Eugenia Hewitt could felt like that? Hey, should we
make popcorn?
MARISOL
Sounds good to me. Are you coming, Norah? If you’ve never seen
popcorn popped in a microwave before, you’re in for a treat.
NORAH
In a minute. I need to discuss something with Abbie.
LILY
Fair enough.
TWO SETS OF FOOTSTEPS OUT OF THE ROOM. DOOR CLOSES.
ABBIE
Norah, what’s--
NORAH
I saw Mrs. Harper on my way here. She wasn’t on a date with this
Russell Epstein fellow, she was in an automobile with Maureen
DeSouza, on their way out of town.
ABBIE
Are you sure?
NORAH
Entirely so. She was slumped down in her seat and holding a
folder.
ABBIE
Slumped. Like she was sick?
NORAH
No.
ABBIE
Bored?
NORAH
No. Like she didn’t want to be seen.
END