Season 2/Episode 6: The Graveyard Shuffle

by Jessica Best

Halloween made manifest
Everyone’s invited
The boundaries are breached

----

Content Advisories for this episode can be found Below

Support Unwell and HartLife NFP on Patreon at www.patreon.com/hartlifenfp

This episode features: Clarisa Cherie Rios as Lily, Marsha Harman as Dot, Michael Turrentine as Wes, Amelia Bethel as Marisol, Joshua K. Harris as Rudy, Isa Ramos as Spikes, Mark Soloff as [REDACTED], Krista D’Agostino as Hazel and Pat King as Chester. Mt Absalom Evil laugh contest participants: Jessica Wright Buha, Jessica Best, Bilal Dardai, Jim McDoniel, Eleanor Hyde, Jeffrey Nils Gardner, Ryan Schile, Tara Schile, Marsha Harman, Amelia Bethel, Joshua K. Harris, Michael Turrentine, Max Kreisky, Josh Rubino, Whitney Johnson, and Christopher J. Wilson.

Written by Jessica Best, sound design by Ryan Schile, directed by Jeffrey Nils Gardner, music composed by Stephen Poon, recording engineer Mel Ruder, Theme performed by Stephen Poon, Lauren Kelly, Gunnar Jebsen, Travis Elfers, Mel Ruder, and Betsey Palmer, Unwell lead sound designer Ryan Schile, Executives Producers Eleanor Hyde and Jeffrey Gardner, by HartLife NFP.

Music and lyrics for“My Boyfriend is a Jack O’Lantern” by Jessica Best. Lyrics for“Do the Trick Or Treat” and “The Graveyard Shuffle” by Jessica Best, with music by Stephen Poon. All songs performed by Clayton Faits (Guitars), Joe Griffin (Guitars), Dan Schaeffer (Bass), David Schaeffer (Drums), Betsey Palmer (Lead vocals on “My Boyfriend is a Jack O’Lantern,” backing vocals on “Do the Trick Or Treat” and “The Graveyard Shuffle”), Stephen Poon (Backing Vocals and Yells on “Do the Trick Or Treat”), Michael Turrentine (Lead Vocals on “Do the Trick or Treat,” backing vocals on “The Graveyard Shuffle”), Jeffrey Nils Gardner (Lead vocals on “The Graveyard Shuffle.”). Recorded by Daniel Christain and Jeffrey Nils Gardner. Mixed and mastered by Gunnar Jebsen

Content advisories for this episode:

-Jump scares
-Fainting
-Screams
-Time loss

FX: WE’RE IN THE KITCHEN. THE
KITCHEN CLOCK IS TICKING. THE PHOEBETOR RINGS.

LILY: (DEEP BREATH) Alright.
DOT: Alright.
WES: (AN AIR OF ACCOMPLISHMENT) Three dozen deviled eggs.

WE ARE ABRUPTLY BACK IN THE REAL WORLD

DOT: Deviled eyeballs, dear.
WES: Of course.
LILY: Should we have done a batch without the hot sauce veins?
DOT: I thought we did. Are there any more eggs? (FRIDGE DOOR OPENS) Oh
shit, I forgot to boil ‘em. Normally, I’m not this far behind--
LILY: It’s fine, mom. It’s a Halloween party, not a military campaign.
DOT: It’s not a Halloween party, it’s the Halloween party. It’s--Halloween itself,
in all its glory, made manifest, one day a year.

LILY: Wes, put out extra paper napkins. People can wipe off the hot sauce if
they need to. Okay, the Baked Mummy Brie is already out there, we’ve
got Extra Bloody Marys for the adults, Monster Potion for the kids--Mom, I
really wish you’d tell me what was in that--

DOT: Trade secret, I’m afraid.
LILY: The Witches’ Teeth are out there, the Bat Wing Cookies are out there, the
Pumpkin Casserole is out there, the apples for candied apples are ready
and washed--

DOT: No, those are for bobbing.
LILY: For who?
WES: Bobbing for apples?

LILY: Does--anybody--still do that?
WES: They do in Mount Absalom. They do on Halloween.
LILY: Right, then where are the candied apple apples?
DOT: Over, uh--there--
LILY: Have they been washed yet?
DOT: I don’t--know--
LILY: It’s okay, won’t hurt anyone to wash them again.
WES: On it!

FX: WES RUNS OVER, PICKS UP A BAG
OF APPLES IN EACH HAND, AND RUNS
THEM BACK TO THE SINK.

LILY: Mom, go out and enjoy yourself.

FX: SINK TURNS ON.
DOT: In a sec. I need to--there’s something I’m forgetting.
LILY: Yeah, to host your own party.
DOT: We’ve got--the folding chairs are already out there, the tables--
LILY: --and Marisol’s hooking up the mics.
DOT: The stuff for the mini pumpkin-painting--?
WES: All set up.
DOT: (FRUSTRATED) What am I not remembering--
LILY: That this is supposed to be for fun?
DOT: (SHARPLY) Don’t nag, Lily.


LILY: I’m telling you to have fun.
DOT: Sorry. (EXHALES) Last year, I had it all under control. I really did.
LILY: I know, Mom.
WES: (RUSHING TO FILL THE SILENCE) Oh hey, by the way, my parents said
they thought you stopped by the other day? They told me to tell you hi,
and they’re sorry they missed you.
LILY: (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

THE BACK DOOR OPENS

MARISOL: Okay, folks, the microphones are a go!
LILY: Thank you so much, I really appreciate it.
MARISOL: No problem. It wouldn’t be a Halloween party if the whole block couldn’t
hear the annual Mount Absalom Evil Laugh Contest. We’ve got steep
competition this year, y’know. Stella--Spikes--has been practicing since
before she even got permission to come this weekend, and it is chilling.

LILY: I bet.
MARISOL: Anything else I can do?
LILY: Let me think. Hey Wes, can you help mom take the eyeballs to the
guests?

WES: But I’m--washing -- (IS THIS ABOUT GIVING MARISOL AND LILY SOME
ALONE TIME?) oh. Oh. Yeah. I can definitely do that. Have fun, you two.
WES TURNS OFF THE SINK. WES AND
DOT’S FOOTSTEPS EXIT THE KITCHEN
THROUGH THE BACK DOOR.

MARISOL: (GRINNING) That was nicely done.
LILY: Thanks, but unfortunately, that wasn’t trying-to-get-you-alone, trying to get
you alone. We need to talk about Wes.
MARISOL: You mean, how he’s a ghost?


LILY: Mom and I went over to the place he claimed was his house, and it’s
really weird.

MARISOL: “Weird” can cover a lot of ground here.
LILY: Like, threatening-weird. It just felt wrong, even before the creepy sounds
started. Granted, we’d broken in, but--

MARISOL: You what?
LILY: Yeah, I made that face too, when Mom brought up the idea.
MARISOL: Maybe next time, let the nice white lady handle any break-ins, and just--
LILY: Oh, I know. Believe me, I know. I don’t understand how Mom can just
keep acting like nothing’s wrong. I’d almost think she’d forgotten about the
whole thing, except sometimes when nobody else is watching, she winks
at me. I can’t tell if she’s taking it so well because she gets it on a level I
don’t, or if she doesn’t get it at all.

MARISOL: I’ll tell Marisol not to go over to Wes’s place, if it comes up. I’ll say they
have bedbugs or something.
But now that I know about Joey, too, I don’t know if I can ban her from
hanging out with the only two people in this town anywhere near her age
when there’s no sign either of them are up to anything shady. I mean,
there’s not, right?

LILY: Not that I’ve seen. Wes--well, there’s stuff about him that doesn’t quite
make sense, but mostly he’s helpful.
I asked Abbie what they thought I should do, and they said that we didn’t
have enough data to make a call. But it’s like, how many more ghosts do
we need? Who’s even alive in this town? (AWKWARD PAUSE)
You’re...alive, right?

MARISOL: I feel like it’d come up at a doctor’s appointment, if I wasn’t.
LILY: Well, that’s good to hear.
MARISOL: And you?

LILY: The full suite of vital signs, last time I checked.

MARISOL TAKES A FEW STEPS CLOSER.

LILY: (GRINNING) Hello.
MARISOL: (GRINNING) Hi.
LILY: Have I thanked you yet, for the mics?
MARISOL: You have. You’re welcome to do it again, though.
LILY: Well. In that case--

BACK DOOR OPENS, AGAIN,
FOOTSTEPS INTO THE ROOM.

SPIKES: Aunt Marisol, are you--oh no, you were having a moment!
LILY: It’s okay, Spikes.
SPIKES: I can’t believe you were having a moment and I ruined it! Agh!
MARISOL: Is, uh, Joey here?
SPIKES: She couldn’t make it. She has chores. On Halloween, who does that?

BACK DOOR OPENS.
DOT: (CALLING) Lily, Marisol, come on, it’s starting!
LILY: What’s starting?
DOT: The Trick-Or-Treat!
LILY: The what?
MARISOL: It was a short-lived dance craze that’s somehow endured in Mount
Absalom, and Mount Absalom alone. Y’know, sixties Halloween pop.

LILY: Like an off-brand Monster Mash?

MARISOL: It was actually written before Monster Mash. There was a whole wave of
1960’s novelty songs about eating candy or partying with creatures of the
night. Monster Mash didn’t create the genre, it was just the version that
got big. You sure you don’t know this one? “Do the Trick-or-Treat”?

DISTANTLY, SURFER ROCK-STYLE
MUSIC IS STARTING UP

LILY: (REMEMBERING SUDDENLY) Oh my god, yes!
MARISOL: (FULLY AWARE OF THE CHEESINESS BUT EMBRACING IT) Lillian

Harper, will you do the trick-or-treat with me?

LILY: I’d be honored.

FOOTSTEPS OUT THE BACK DOOR.

WES (SINGING): Who’s my sugar? You’re my something sweet
Who’s my candy? Good enough to eat
Who’s my honey? May I repeat:
Come on sweetheart, and do the trick or treat!
Trick or treat now,
Do the trick or treat
Can’t be beat now,
Dancing down the street
Feel complete now,
Do the trick or treat,
Come on, lemon drop, do the trick or treat!

SPIKES: Good work.
DOT: Thanks, Spikes. (LOOKING AT HER COSTUME) So, who are you
supposed to be?

SPIKES: (HAS HAD TO EXPLAIN THIS TO A LOT OF PEOPLE) I’m Wes
Anderson. I’ve got the hair, the suit--no? C’mon, really?

DOT: Sorry.
SPIKES: Maybe if I could carry around, like, an outline of a house that was
perfectly symmetrical, and stand in front of it, directly in the middle--

DOT: I think there might be an old dollhouse in the basement? If you can find it,
it’s yours. Or, you know, Wes Albertson’s.
SPIKES: Anderson. Mrs. Harper, you are the best!
DOT: You’re damn right.

SPIKES SCAMPERS OFF.

DOT: (TO HERSELF) You’re damn right...what is going on in that head of
yours, Dottie? What am I...oh, of course!

A TAPE PLAYER IS TURNED ON.
EERIE WHISTLING OF WIND, A SCREAM.

DOT: Better. Ah.

SPOOKY SOUNDS CONTINUE.
INTERMITTENT WIND, SCREAMS,
GROANS, CREAKS. BACK DOOR OPENS,
ABBIE RUNS IN.

ABBIE: What happened? I heard screaming!
DOT: That was just my never-fail Halloween mix tape.
ABBIE: Of course it was. (SIGHS) As long as I’m in here, can I borrow that
toaster?
DOT: Why?
ABBIE: For the reflective surface. I can feel that my make-up’s not staying on.
DOT: Of course, Bowie. Or is it Ziggy Stardust?
ABBIE: Either is fine.
DOT: Did you really shave off your eyebrows? That is commitment.
ABBIE: No, it’s just some amateur prosthetics.

DOT: Nice. When did you learn how to--
ABBIE: This morning. I’ve got a deadline coming up, so I’ve
been--procrastinating.

BACK DOOR OPENS. FOOTSTEPS INTO
THE KITCHEN.

RUDY: Aha! I see the real party, is, as always, in the kitchen!
DOT: Funny how that always happens, even when all of the food is out there.
RUDY: It’s as if we’re drawn here, don’t you think? No matter what’s going on in
the back yard, or the front yard, or the living room, when we hit a lull, we
all start slipping back towards the kitchen.

ABBIE: I don’t think it’s a mystery. It’s the introvert olympics out there. Some of us
need to hear ourselves think.

RUDY: Maybe, but there’s an almost primal pull to certain places, don’t you
think?

ABBIE: We are veering precariously close to the realm of bad evo-psych here,
Rudolphus.

RUDY: I don’t mean primal in the sense of “cavemen hunt, cavewomen skin the
mammoth.” I mean, cooking is who we are as people, what unites all of
us. Across oceans, across cultures, across time--

ABBIE: Rudy, where have you been lately? Your absence has been palpable.
RUDY: Palpable, truly? Fully able to be palped?
ABBIE: Don’t make me say it again.
RUDY: Oh, you know. I’ve been--around. The observatory, mostly.
Hmm...maybe “archetypal” is a better word than primal. It feels almost like
something from Tarot, you know? The kitchen, the place of the hearth.
The inn, the place of rest--

DOT: The cemetary, the place of extreme rest.

RUDY: (MERRY) Dot Harper, you are a card!
DOT: Hell, I’m a whole deck.
RUDY: Oh! The reason I came in here, originally, besides the natural gravitational
tug of refrigerator, sink, and stove, was to see if you needed help with
anything. Are you making a pie?

DOT: Hm?
RUDY: That’s a lot of apples. Unless they’re for bobbing?
DOT: (RELIEVED) They are! Would you be so kind to--
RUDY: I was made to carry apples. It is my destiny.

FOOTSTEPS OUT OF THE KITCHEN.

Salutations, Wes!

WES: Uh, salutations, Rudy. Have you seen Spikes?
RUDY: Nope, sorry.

KITCHEN DOOR CLOSES.

DOT: Wes?
WES: Do you know where Spikes is?
DOT: She was here just a minute ago.
WES: Any thought where she might’ve gone?
DOT: (BLANKING HARD) Where would she...
WES: She missed the Trick-or-Treat, and she’s about to miss the Evil

Laugh-Off. It’s a prime film-making opportunity.

ABBIE: Dot, aren’t you judging that?
DOT: Oh shit, I should go!

DOT’S FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SHUTS.
ABBIE: Maybe Spikes is in the backyard, and you just missed her?
WES: I checked out back, Abbie.
ABBIE: Well, let’s look at this systematically. If she’s not outside, she must be in
the house. If she’s somewhere in the house, work from the top down--

WES: I’ll go check the attic!

WES’S FOOTSTEPS OUT OF THE
KITCHEN AND UP THE STAIRS.
DOT’S TAPE RECORDING IS PLAYING
WHAT SOUNDS LIKE A 1960’s GIRL
GROUP

RECORDING: My boyfriend is a jack o lantern
He’s really quite a catch
You could say that he is really well-rounded
I found him in the pumpkin patch!
My boyfriend is a jack o lantern
He’s got a toothy grin
And oh I really mean it
When I call him “pumpkin”
Sha la la la la! Sha la la la la!
Doo bee doo bee da!
Happy Halloween!

ABBIE: November first cannot come soon enough.
DOT (FAR AWAY, INTO A MICROPHONE) Okay, people, it’s what you’ve all
been waiting for: Mount Absalom’s one and only Evil Laugh-Off. Take a
deep breath, step up to the mic, and do your worst.

MASON LAUGHS EVILLY. APPLAUSE.
RUDY LAUGHS EVILLY. APPLAUSE.

ABBIE: (SIGHS. MUTTERS TO THEMSELF) One more hour and you can go to
bed, Douglas. You can do this.

DYLAN LAUGHS EVILLY. APPLAUSE.
SOMEONE KNOCKING ON THE FRONT
DOOR.
MARISOL LAUGHS EVILLY. APPLAUSE.
MORE KNOCKING.

ABBIE: EVERYONE’S IN THE BACK YARD! KNOCKING IS NOT STRICTLY
REQUIRED!

DOOR OPENS.

CHESTER: (CALLING) Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize it was unlocked! Lou Lou and the
little one are heading out back, just figured I’d see if anyone was in here--
CHESTER’S FOOTSTEPS INTO THE KITCHEN.
Who wants dirt cups?
ABBIE: (FLATLY) Chester. What.
CHESTER: Oh! It’s actually pudding with cookie crumbs and gummy worms—
ABBIE: (WITHERINGLY) I know what a dirt cup is, Chester, I’ve read parenting
magazines.
CHESTER: Why?
ABBIE: Growing up, I felt it was important to understand the opposition.
I meant, how dare you show up here, snooping around, no doubt trying to
find Dot. You’re not invited.

CHESTER: It’s a neighborhood institution. Everyone’s invited.

ABBIE: So you’re exploiting Dot’s generosity to hound her for debts she only
owes in the first place due to your exploitation of an archaic, sexist,
heterocentric loophole? Go to hell.
CHESTER: So you don’t want a dirt cup, then?
ABBIE: Nobody with the slightest whiff of common sense would want anything
from you. There would so very obviously be strings attached. Gigantic
strings. Ropes. Not to mention slime, from you touching it.

CHESTER: Are you sure about that?
ABBIE: Am I sure you’re a miasmic, regurgitated gum-cud of a human being?
CHESTER: Are you sure nobody with common sense would ever cooperate with me?
Nobody you like, nobody you respect?

ABBIE: Yes?
CHESTER: (CHEERFUL) Oh. Just checking! I should really get these to the kids.
FOOTSTEPS TO THE BACK DOOR.
Oh, and Abbie? Ah...if you see Rudy, tell him I said hi, and that next
Friday’s no good for me, but Saturday should be fine.

ABBIE: What?
CHESTER: It’s so nice working with him, y’know? Such a pragmatic person.
DOOR SHUTS. ABBIE IS SILENT

RECORDING: My boyfriend is a jack o lantern
With triangles for eyes
And though he can be a little seedy
He’s got a light inside
My boyfriend is a jack o lantern
Back in 1800 he was murdered
And his soul was trapped away forever
Inside a spooky gourd

ABBIE: ...what the fuck? RUDY! HEY, RUDY!


ABBIE STORMS ACROSS THE ROOM
AND WHISKS OPEN THE BACK DOOR.
THEY SLAM IT ON THEIR WAY OUT.

RECORDING: Sha la la la la
Sha la la la la
Glooby blooby blah
Happy Halloween!

THE INSTRUMENTATION FADES OUT.
ON THE RECORDING, DOORWAYS
CREAK CARTOONISHLY. A BLACK CAT
YOWLS. THERE IS A PAUSE.

RECORDING: Hello? Hello? Is anybody listening?

GENERIC SPOOKY MUSIC STARTS UP
AGAIN. THE BACK DOOR OPENS. TWO
SETS OF FOOTSTEPS INSIDE.
MARISOL: --cool if we just, talk for a second? It’s so loud out there.
LILY: Yeah, of course. Anything on your mind?
MARISOL: Oh, don’t worry, I just wanted a few minutes of quality time before you’re
swallowed up by co-hosting duties again.

LILY: Are you having an okay time?
MARISOL: I’m having a great time, I’m just confused that Stella missed the Evil
Laugh-Off. She was so excited for it.

LILY: You know how it is at that age. Fixations come and go. I’m sure she’s
scouting the area for a good movie location.

MARISOL: (LAUGHS) ‘Don’t worry, Marisol, she’s probably trespassing in a
graveyard.’

LILY: She’s not trespassing. It’s a party.
MARISOL: Thank you.

THE RECORDING STARTS TO PLAY THE
INTRO TO A SONG THAT SOUNDS
EERILY LIKE MONSTER MASH.

LILY: Speaking of gratitude, it feels like earlier, we were interrupted--?
MARISOL: We can fix that.

THEY STEP CLOSER TOGETHER.

RECORDING: (SHOUTING IN A BORIS KARLOFF IMITATION)

TURN AROUND!

LILY MAKES A SURPRISED SOUND
(RECORDING CONTINUES) There’s something behind you!
LILY: I can’t believe mom’s goofy mix-tape actually got me.
MARISOL: You jumped, like a foot in the air.
RECORDING: G-GET DOWN! Don’t let that thing find you!
TO THE RIGHT! Don’t let the word bind you!

LILY: So many actually creepy things in this town, and I get taken in by
Off-Model Boris Karloff.
MARISOL: That was pretty startling.
RECORDING: Do the graveyard shuffle with me!
Do the graveyard shuffle with me!
Oh, and even the cyclops can see!
It’s a hell of a time to party!
LILY: Okay, so where we we?
MARISOL: Before we were so rudely interrupted by Duke Dastardly and the Bumps
in the Night?
LILY: You know this band?

MARISOL: They were a local novelty outfit. This was by far their biggest hit. We have
a stack of their old vinyls at the Golden Groove, since people only ever
buy them once a year.

WES: (CALLING DOWN THE STAIRS) Hey Spikes? Spikes?
MARISOL: How long have you been looking for her?
WES: She’s not in the attic. I’m gonna check the front yard.
LILY: Why would she be there?
WES: Why would she be missing the whole party?

WES’S FOOTSTEPS TOWARDS THE
FRONT DOOR.

RECORDING: CREEP AROUND! That creature you’re fearing
WATCH THE GROUND! That something is nearing
TO THE LEFT! Clear out of that clearing!

MARISOL: Uh...
LILY: If you’re worried, we can go look for her.
MARISOL: In a sec.

RECORDING: Do the graveyard shuffle and moan!
Do the graveyard shuffle and moan!

LILY: Marisol?
MARISOL: ...the lyrics are wrong.
LILY: Maybe it’s a parody?
MARISOL: No, I know this song. I know how it’s supposed to go. This is wrong.

RECORDING: Come on and shake shake those bones!
Remember to water the stones!

LILY: Did it just say water the stones?

MARISOL: Yeah.
LILY: Whatever’s going on here, I do not like it.

A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

MARISOL: Door’s unlocked, party’s out back!
LILY: Come in!

OLD MAN: Hello there.
LILY: Oh, it’s you. Thanks for your help before. Marisol, he’s the one who told
me to tell you about the whole...Joey-and-Wes thing.
MARISOL: Hey, thanks. More communication, never a bad move.

OLD MAN: Not a problem, miss. Sorry to trouble you tonight, but I was just passing
through and I was wondering if I could get some water. My dogs are
looking a little parched.

LILY: Of course.

CABINET DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, A
BOWL IS RETRIEVED.

OLD MAN: Quite a shindig you’ve got back there.
MARISOL: Yeah, Mrs. Harper goes all out for Halloween.
LILY: You’re welcome to stay for a while. There’s plenty of snacks.
OLD MAN: Oh no, no. Thank you kindly but I already ate. I should be getting on my way.

RECORDING: SHAKE YOUR HIPS! Sh-shiver and tremor
LET IT RIP! And try to remember
TAKE IT BACK! Too late to surrender

LILY: Marisol?
MARISOL: I know this is a small thing, but--these aren’t the words.

RECORDING: Do the graveyard shuffle and churn
Do the graveyard shuffle and churn
The door in the basement returns!
The handle is starting to turn!

LILY: Okay, that’s it!

RAPID FOOTSTEPS

MARISOL: Lily, wait up! What’s going on?
LILY: There’s a door in this house that’s only there sometimes, and if Spikes
opens it, we need to be sure we can get her back out!

MARISOL: I’m coming with you.
OLD MAN: And me.
LILY: Are you sure?
OLD MAN: If things go bad, you might need help carrying her, and I’m stronger than I
look. Let’s get a move on.

MARISOL: Thank you.

THREE SETS OF FOOTSTEPS
TOWARDS THE BASEMENT.

RECORDING: SPIN AROUND! The black cat is grinning!
CHECK THE BOUNDS! The Old Scratch is winning!
The veil between our worlds is thinning!

BACK DOOR OPENS. TWO SETS OF
FOOTSTEPS. THE NOVELTY MUSIC IS
STILL PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

RECORDING: Do the graveyard shuffle, alright!
Do the graveyard shuffle, alright!
Do the dance that’s filled with fright!

HAZEL: Oh, for heaven’s sake--

RECORDING: Beware the one in the--

A BUTTON IS PRESSED ON THE TAPE
PLAYER, WHICH STOPS ABRUPTLY.

HAZEL: Now, what was it you were whispering about?
CHESTER: Hazel, I’m afraid I might’ve lost my temper. Abigail Douglas knows about
our work with Rudy.

HAZEL: (SIGHS) Well, they were bound to find out eventually. Granted, it may
move up our timeframe a little--

CHESTER: There’s only so quickly a telescope can be repaired. Parts have to be
ordered, or custom-built.

HAZEL: Still, if we can move faster, push a little harder--
CHESTER: I’ll take it under advisement.
HAZEL: Was there anything else?
CHESTER: Nothing new.
HAZEL: No progress on the Oak Street house or the diner?
CHESTER: We have our people looking into Hunter’s. Health code, building
code--there’s got to be some way we can intervene. So far, we can’t get
close enough.

HAZEL: So why don’t we--get closer--
CHESTER: It’s a private business. If a Delphic gets caught snooping around, we’ll be
kicked out or worse. We’re being toyed with.

HAZEL: Do we really think he would go to this much trouble for a game--
CHESTER: What other explanation is there? How else is the diner part of his plan?
What kind of bloody vengeance involves flipping burgers and frying tots?

HAZEL: If there’s something--wrong with the food--

CHESTER: You know we have our people at the doctor’s. If there was a sudden
uptick in food poisoning it’d get back to us, and anyway, isn’t that awfully
small potatoes for the Revelator? No, this is him sending us a message.
Staking territory.
HAZEL: What do we do next?
CHESTER: We need this house.
HAZEL: Have you spoken with Dot yet? Provided a gentle reminder?
CHESTER: I can’t break through to her through her little crowd of supporters. It’s like
someone warned them.

HAZEL: She hasn’t been responding to your letters or phone calls?
CHESTER: What do you think? Worst case scenario, we could get the police
involved, but--
HAZEL: The optics of that--
CHESTER: They’re pretty bad, yeah. And for now, Dot’s still sharp enough to play up
the “helpless older woman” angle. And later--
HAZEL: She’ll be a helpless older woman. Shoot.
CHESTER: I think it’s time to consider getting the mayor involved.
HAZEL: That’s a resource to be used sparingly.
CHESTER: Well, if ever there was a time--
HAZEL: I don’t like this at all. Are we sure we even have a handle on what’s going
on here? What if the Revelator isn’t just claiming territory, what if he’s
consolidating power somehow? Will we be ready to--

FOOTSTEPS UP THE BASEMENT
STAIRS.

What was that?

FOOTSTEPS UP THE STAIRS CONTINUE


OLD MAN: (OFF) Let’s get her into the light--
MARISOL: (OFF) Spikes? Spikes, honey?
SPIKES: (OFF, WEAKLY) I’m...fine.
OLD MAN: (OFF) A little drink of water, and she’ll be right as rain.
HAZEL: (QUIETLY, TERRIFIED) Oh, shoot.
LILY: I can carry her, Marisol, really.
MARISOL: Stella. Spikes--

(THE BASEMENT DOOR OPENS.
MARISOL, LILY, AND OLD MAN STEP INTO
THE ROOM)
CHESTER: (TERRIFIED AND ANGRY) You--
OLD MAN: Evening.
CHESTER: How--
OLD MAN: Could you get us down a glass?
A PAUSE.

MARISOL: Hazel, a glass. Please.
HAZEL: Um.

HAZEL VERY SHAKILY OPENS THE
CABINET AND GETS DOWN A GLASS.

OLD MAN: And fill it with water, if you’d be so kind?
CHESTER: How...did--you don’t belong here--
OLD MAN: (MILDLY, SMILING) It’s Halloween, son. Everyone’s invited.

SINK TURNS ON.

STELLA: No. No water. I’m not thirsty.
MARISOL: Spikes, honey, if you could drink a little, we’d feel a lot better--

A GLASS FILLS UP.

STELLA: You can put me down. I can stand.
LILY: Are you sure.
STELLA: I feel better, really.

STELLA IS CAREFULLY SET DOWN ON
HER FEET.

Why are you dressed like a pirate...it’s still Halloween?

LILY: When did you think it was?
STELLA: I don’t know. Time got...blurry. I was in the basement looking around,
and--you’re not gonna believe this, but a doorknob appeared.

CHESTER: (INTENT) All at once, or more of a fade-in?
LILY: (FAKE SWEETNESS) Hey, Chester? Maybe you and Hazel would be
more comfortable outside?

OLD MAN: I’ll just take that glass from ya, if you don’t mind, ma’am.
HAZEL: I...
OLD MAN: Here you go, lass.

STELLA TAKES A RELUCTANT SIP.

OLD MAN: You were saying? The doorknob--?
STELLA: It grew out of the wall, like a plant, like--time-lapse photography.
MARISOL: Spikes, I thought I told you to be careful of weirdness out here.

STELLA: I thought you meant, y’know, don’t engage with creepy middle-aged
dudes who wanna talk to you about rock music. You never said, “Yo,
watch out for doorknobs!”
OLD MAN: So you opened it?
SPIKES: Well, yeah. I felt. It sounds dumb when I say it out loud. But it was like, in
a dream, how you just know stuff. You don’t have to hear or see or smell
it, like, it’s already there in your head. And I looked at this door, at this
handle, and my brain went, “You can open that. It wouldn’t work for
everyone, but it’ll turn for you.” So I did. And it did.

HAZEL: (ENTHRALLED) What was back there?
MARISOL: (POINTEDLY) Hey Spikes, wouldn’t you be more comfortable with fewer
people hanging around?

SPIKES: I’m fine. (NOTICES THE TENSION) Oh, wait, no, I think a dizzy spell is
coming on, everything’s spinning! Can they leave, please? I’d feel way
better if they left.

CHESTER: Of course. Uh, I--after you--sir.
OLD MAN: If you don’t mind, my dogs are still waiting on the front porch.
LILY: Right, the water! Help yourself.
OLD MAN: You have an old man’s thanks.
LILY: Chester? Hazel? Have a good night.
CHESTER: (SHAKEN) H--have a good night.

FOOTSTEPS TOWARDS THE BACK
DOOR. SINK TURNS ON AS THE OLD MAN FILLS
THE BOWL WITH WATER

MARISOL: So, what was behind the door? You sure you’re okay?
SPIKES: There was--it was super dark, but I could smell water. Clean water,
but--old water, if that makes sense? And it smelled like growing things,
too.

LILY: Like moss?
SPIKES: No. Like things that are growing.
MARISOL: Trees?
SPIKES: Not trees, not plants--
OLD MAN: Things.
SPIKES: Yeah.
ABBIE: (OFF, LOUDLY) Good evening, Chester and Hazel, lovely night to lurk on
the back steps of someone else’s house, isn’t it?

MARISOL: Shit!
LILY: Good old Abbie.
ABBIE: (OFF, TO CHESTER AND HAZEL AS THEY RETREAT) And have a
happy Halloween.

FOOTSTEPS INTO THE ROOM.
Alright, they’re gone. Spikes, is the basement doorknob still there?

MARISOL: It was gone by the time we pulled her out.
ABBIE: Of course. Leaving us with very little here to study. Fortunately, we finally
have a lead.
LILY: What’s that?
ABBIE: It really is a lovely night for lurking. Never travel without your field
recorder, kids.

ABBIE HITS PLAY.

CHESTER: It’s a private business. If a Delphic gets caught snooping around, we’ll be
kicked out or worse. We’re being toyed with.

HAZEL: Do we really think he would go to this much trouble for a game--

CHESTER: What other explanation is there? How else is the diner part of his plan?

ABBIE HITS PAUSE

SPIKES: Who’s he?
ABBIE: The Revelator, if that means anything to any of you?
SPIKES: One who...revelates?
LILY: Is anyone else thinking Book of Revelations?
MARISOL: Well, now I am.
LILY: So, what’s our lead?
ABBIE: First, I research the hell out of that title. Second, much as it curdles my
blood to be within sniffing distance of that many animal remains, we take
a second look at that diner.

OLD MAN: “The enemy of my enemy is my friend--”
ABBIE: No, the enemy of my enemy is to be looked on with great suspicion, but it
sure is a point of interest. (PAUSE) Sorry, who are you?

OLD MAN: Ah, I should really be getting on my way. Thanks again for the water. I’ll
leave the bowl on the front porch for you.
LILY: Enjoy the rest of your Halloween.
OLD MAN: Oh, I think I will. Night.
MARISOL: Goodnight.

FOOTSTEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR.
LILY: So, how do you propose we get close to the diner, if the Delphic’s can’t do
it?

ABBIE: Well, speaking purely from the vantage point of a broke grad student, I
have some excellent news on that front. Hunter’s is hiring.

LILY: Abbie, you’re not seriously saying--
ABBIE: Again, it’s one of very few leads we have at this point, so I think I am.
(DEEP BREATH, STEELING THEMSELF) Time to venture into the real
nightmare. Time to stare straight into the abyss, and take a running start.

SPIKES: What do you mean?
ABBIE: Time to enter the world of customer service.

[CREDITS]

THE FRONT PORCH. DISTANT PARTY SOUNDS. AN OWL HOOTS.

DOT: Hi there. Hope you don’t mind if I sit down for a sec. (SETTLES DOWN)
Don’t worry, I swept the porch this morning.

OLD MAN: Hello, Dorothy.
DOT: Oh, it’s Dot. Everybody calls me Dot. (PAUSE) Sorry, I should know your
name, shouldn’t I?
OLD MAN: (CONFUSED) You should.
DOT: Well, it’s been a long day and my brain’s melting bit by bit, so you’ll have
to cut me a little slack. (PAUSE) Isn’t that my bowl?
OLD MAN: It is. Don’t worry, I’ll give it back soon enough.
DOT: Thank you. Much appreciated. I--huh. You know what? I think I just
remembered what I forgot to do.

OLD MAN: And what’s that?
DOT: I never watered the stones.
OLD MAN: Don’t worry, I won’t tell.
DOT: (VAGUELY) Thanks.
OLD MAN: Happy Halloween.