Unwell Season 2/Episode 10- Solid Citizens

by Bilal Dardai

Find entertainment where you can
Public revelations
We always knew it would come to this.

----

Content Advisories for this episode can be found below.

Support Unwell and HartLife NFP on Patreon at www.patreon.com/hartlifenfp

This episode features: Clarisa Cherie Rios as Lily, Marsha Harman as Dot, Kathleen Hoil as Abbie, José Angel Donado as Mayor Lopez, Pat King as Chester, Clint Worthington as Russel Epstein, Corrbette Pasko as Maureen De Souza, and Catherine Dvorak as Bonnie Buckley.

Written by Bilal Dardai, sound design by Sarah D. Espinoza, directed by Jeffrey Nils Gardner, music composed by Stephen Poon, recording engineer Mel Ruder, Theme performed by Stephen Poon, Lauren Kelly, Gunnar Jebsen, Travis Elfers, Mel Ruder, and Betsey Palmer, Unwell lead sound designer Ryan Schile, Executives Producers Eleanor Hyde and Jeffrey Gardner, by HartLife NFP.

This episode contains:

-Profanity
-Public sharing of medical information
-Gaslighting

CARROT STICKS BEING CHOPPED ON A
WOODEN CUTTING BOARD.

DOT: You have to come.
LILY: But do I, though?
DOT: I’m not putting this up for discussion.
Abbie, could you get the sandwich bags down
from the cupboard? No, the other one, the
one next to it. Thank you.

ABBIE: Sure thing.
LILY: It sounds boring as hell, Mom.
DOT: I’m well aware what it sounds like but you
have to trust me when I tell you that it’s
so much better than what it sounds like.
LILY: I don’t know how you make a town council
meeting sound like anything except a town
council meeting.

DOT: Think of it as a petting zoo. A pen
full of chicks and piglets and baby goats
roaming this way and that way, and a herd of
first graders on a field trip shouting here
ducky ducky ducky. Everybody thinks they
want something but nobody really knows what they
want.

LILY: And you go watch this on purpose.
DOT: On the rare occasion that they manage to
schedule one? Absolutely. It’s the best community theater in town.

ABBIE: Certainly couldn’t be worse than your
history pageants.

LILY: I can’t believe you’re going with her.
ABBIE: This isn’t recreational, Lily, this is
research. Public government sessions are a
rich and highly particular vein of social
data.

LILY: I suppose that makes sense.
ABBIE: I’ve attended over 350 meetings of
local-level government in the past five
years. I maintain a detailed lexicographical
catalog of words and phrases commonly
employed within these meetings. It’s very
enlightening. You have your obvious,
expected high-saturation content, words like
“motion” and “recognizes.” But you also
notice--I’m not even kidding--that the idiom
“we have bigger fish to fry” occurs with
alarming frequency.

DOT: ...sometimes you are just delightfully odd, Abigail.

ABBIE: What am I the other times?
DOT: So you see, daughter of mine? Enlightening.
Also? Entertaining. Sometimes Maureen De
Souza will raise an objection before she’s
fully formed what her objection is? Her
face, it sorta slumps, and everybody in the room
leans forward to watch the gears moving, and
right when you see the light-bulb go off you
take one of these carrot sticks and you...

DOT BITES LOUDLY INTO A CARROT
STICK.

DOT: One day I’m going to get her to yell the
word “motherfucker” in the middle of the meeting.
I’ll get a copy of the minutes and when I’m
feeling blue I’ll pull it out and take a
look at it to be reminded of what I’ve
accomplished.

LILY: They’d probably strike it from the minutes.
DOT: If they try to strike it from the minutes
I’ll raise my own objection. I will raise
holy hell.
LILY: Okay. I’ll come.
DOT: Fantastic.
LILY: I don’t care about the town council. I’m coming to keep an eye on you.

DOT: I’ll take it.
LILY: Listen. Speaking of keeping an eye on
somebody...and since all three of us are in
the room--
ABBIE: --Wes.
LILY: Wes.

ABBIE: Is he here?
DOT: I don’t think so.
LILY: That’s the problem, isn’t it? That he might
be? Gone one minute, back the next?
ABBIE: That has been his M.O. so far.
LILY: Well. I can’t not talk about him just
because
he might suddenly appear out of thin air.

ABBIE: And we do need to talk about him.
LILY: Agreed. So what do we know right now?
ABBIE: Nothing.
LILY: That’s not true.
ABBIE: We have a collection of untested and in some
cases untestable postulates.
LILY: We know that Wes is a ghost.
ABBIE: I’ve conceded to using your terminology but
we have no singular definition for what a
ghost even is at this point. We do not have
knowledge; we have observations.
LILY: Then what are our observations?
ABBIE: One. That Wes seems to appear without
warning, sometimes without any way he could
have entered a room without being noticed.
One-A: But he still walks home when he
leaves here.

LILY: Two. His home doesn’t feel like a real
building.

ABBIE: Two-A: The address for that home is not
listed in town records.

LILY: Three. There’s a marker in the cemetery with
his name on it.
DOT: Is that true?
LILY: Yes, Mom. I told you that.
DOT: The tombstone says “Wes” on it?
LILY: It says “Theodore Wesley.”
DOT: Wait. Wait. Yes, this sounds familiar.
Sorry.
I’m remembering this now. Wes’s real name is
Theodore.

ABBIE: No, Wes’s real name is Wes. But there’s a
very strong possibility that he died as
Theodore. Four. Wes is corporeal, or at
least capable of making himself corporeal.
LILY: Five. That thing, that whatever, what
happened that night when the radiators went
nuts and he couldn’t tell me his social
security number.

ABBIE: That seizure he had at the Celery Festival.
DOT: That doesn’t make him a ghost, you know.

LILY: We know, but we have to consider that, you
know, maybe it’s connected in some way.
DOT: I’m having trouble following you here. Are
these observations about Wes in general or
observations that indicate Wes is a ghost?

LILY: Both, I think?

DOT: And he’s never been to Julian. And he’s not
the best at handling the account books. And
his tours of the house are a little
cornball,
and sometimes he bites his nails and spits
them on the floor.

ABBIE: He does?
DOT: What I’m saying--
ABBIE: --did you keep any of them? The, the
clippings?

DOT: No.
ABBIE: No?!
DOT: I sweep them up and throw them out. And I
tell him to stop doing that. And he says
sorry and then he forgets and the cycle
starts all over.

ABBIE: But! But that’s--that’s evidence! Does it,
like does it disappear or does it stick
around, and how long before it--!

DOT: --what I’m saying, Abbie, is that you can’t
just toss out a bunch of random details and
behaviors about Wes and act like each of
them means he’s a ghost.
LILY: Mom, you saw his house.
DOT: I know I did! I’m not saying he’s not a
ghost, I’m saying that, that--

ABBIE: --that we’re manipulating observations to
fit our hypothesis.

DOT: Yes. Yes. If I knew to say it that way then
that’s the way I would have said it.

ABBIE: Fair.
DOT: Wes is...oh, he’s strange, I know. Nobody
can deny that. But he’s also sweet, and kind,
and I don’t know where he came from but he was
exactly what I needed before you came home.
So I’d prefer if the two of you, and me too,
I need us all to remember that while we’re
trying to figure out what he is. Maybe
instead of treating him like a bug on a slide
we just...

LILY: Ask him.
DOT: That's not what I was going to say. He’s
like a person just because I’m acting a
little erratically. He’s. Because he’s
acting a little erratically.

LILY: Mom.

DOT: Shut up. Freudian slip. Don’t read too much
into it.

ABBIE: Technically a Freudian slip is--
DOT: --Abigail if you define a Freudian slip
right
now I will brain you with this cutting
board.
(BEAT. SIGH.) Somebody else want to finish
chopping these? I’m tired. I’m going to take
a nap.

LILY: I’ll do it.

DOT: Thank you, Lilybelle. You should take a nap
too. Both of you. These things always start
late and you want to be sharp as a
switchblade once the show gets rolling.

DOT EXITS.

ABBIE: Ask him.
LILY: I think we have to.
ABBIE: What do you suppose he’s going to say?

NO RESPONSE. TRANSITION. THE SOUND
OF CHESTER KNOCKING AT A WOODEN
OFFICE DOOR.

CHESTER: Mayor Lopez? Mayor Lopez, it’s Chester. Can
come in? (BEAT.) It’s your deputy mayor.

LOPEZ: Come in!


DOOR OPENS. MAYOR EDGAR LOPEZ CAN
BE HEARD AT THE OTHER END OF THE
ROOM TALKING ON A DESK PHONE.

CHESTER: Welcome back, Mayor Lopez, I’m so glad
that--
LOPEZ: (TO CHESTER) --Sh. On the phone. (INTO THE
PHONE) No, Daphne, it’s just my deputy
mayor.
Yes! I have a deputy now. Yes, the one you
met. I don’t recall exactly, they sent me a
memo to me while we were in Upper Arlington
and I signed it. Don’t be cruel, of course
he deserves it. (BEAT) Listen, I should
probably cut this short, I imagine you have--of
course you do. Keep me posted on, yes, the one from
the medical board. Don’t let him tell you
less than 25. I have it on excellent
authority that he found 40 he could give to
that empty suit Fahey out from Hilliard, so
he can find at least 25 for his good friend
Edgar Lopez. Yes, say it exactly like that.
All right, Daphne. Thank you for everything
you do. Bye now.

PHONE HANGS UP.

LOPEZ: Chet!
CHESTER: Chester.
LOPEZ: Which Chet is short for, isn’t it? Good to
see you again.

CHESTER: Good to have you back, Mr. Mayor. How’s your
campaign going?

LOPEZ: How does any campaign go, am I right?
CHESTER: I’m afraid I don’t know.
LOPEZ: No? No. Of course you don’t. You will,
though. One day. I’ve got a good feeling
about you.

CHESTER: Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
LOPEZ: Since you ask, the event went very well, I
would say. Very well. A lot of people stayed
for the whole speech, and you know? I feel
like this time they all listened. It was
rejuvenating. I truly believe, Chet, that
this time I’m coming out on top. United
States Senator Edgar Lopez of Ohio. Got a
ring to it, right? Like a Woody Guthrie
song.

CHESTER: I’m certain I speak for many of Mt.
Absalom’s citizens when I say that we’re fully behind
our town’s favorite son.
LOPEZ: That’s very gratifying, Chet.
CHESTER: So...I wanted to talk to you about the town
council meeting tonight.

LOPEZ: Yes, I wanted to talk to you about that as
well. Managed to schedule one, huh?
CHESTER: It took some doing. But I wanted to--

LOPEZ: --do me a favor, would you?
CHESTER: Um. Sure?
LOPEZ: I’m trying out a new knot in my necktie.
CHESTER: Is that a metaphor?
LOPEZ: What? No. Here. Look at my tie. What do you
see?
CHESTER: A knot.
LOPEZ: A double Windsor. Classic. Dependable.
CHESTER: I always just thought it was standard.
LOPEZ: It is standard. Everybody and their uncle
wears it. You wear it. Everybody else
thinking about running for that Senate seat
wears it. What Daphne’s always telling me
is that if you want to pull ahead of the
pack, you need something that differentiates
you.

CHESTER: Like a policy.
LOPEZ: Besides that.
CHESTER: Like a new knot in your necktie.
LOPEZ: Exactamundo. So I’m going to try a few
different ones and I’d like your opinion,
okay? Focus group of one.

CHESTER: Could we perhaps do this after we talk
about--?

LOPEZ: I am perfectly capable of holding a
conversation and tying a tie at the same
time. A man that can’t do that doesn’t even
deserve to be Mayor, much less the junior
Senator from Ohio.

CHESTER: Excellent. So, for the meeting tonight--
LOPEZ: --I was thinking I should skip it tonight.
I’m sure it will run just fine without me.
CHESTER: Sir, forgive me, but you already missed the
last four because of your campaign events.

LOPEZ: Did they run fine without me?
CHESTER: They did, but--
LOPEZ: --I rest my case. Voila. The Plattsburgh
knot. Gut reaction.

CHESTER: It’s...good.
LOPEZ: Just good?
CHESTER: It’s fine.
LOPEZ: And so much for Plattsburgh. You want me to
come to the meeting. Why? Have people been
talking?
CHESTER: Talking?
LOPEZ: “If Mayor Lopez really cared about Mt.
Absalom he’d show up at the town council
meetings?”

CHESTER: I doubt anybody says that.

LOPEZ: I’m sure somebody does. It’s a small town
but it’s not that small. Everybody’s different.
That’s one of your fundamental lessons of
politics. Aim for majority, not unanimity.
CHESTER: I don’t know who might say that, but it’s
not why...Mr. Mayor, the thing is--
LOPEZ: --Balthus knot. How’s that?
CHESTER: ...is that different than the first one?
The, uh, Windsor?

LOPEZ: Sure it is. That was a Windsor, this is a
Balthus.

CHESTER: It’s just that I can’t really tell--
LOPEZ: --got it, got it, got it. I see what you
mean. If you can’t tell the difference
between a Windsor and a Balthus then most
voters won’t either. That’s smart, Chet.

CHESTER: Thank you sir.

LOPEZ: If this ends up being the key to my
campaign, I’m not going to forget how you helped.
Contestant number three. Have you told me
what you were here to tell me yet?

CHESTER: We need to talk about Fenwood House. Now I
know what you’re--

LOPEZ: --oh for pete’s sake, this again?--

CHESTER: --but trust me when I tell you--
LOPEZ: --you goddamn Delphics and your, your--
CHESTER: --Mr. Mayor--
LOPEZ: --obsession with this house. Can none of you
take a hint? You tried this. Landmark status
yadda yadda, eminent domain yadda yadda. You
tried it three times with Mayor Friedel and
once already with me and it is embarrassing
every single time. The town council is not
having it.

CHESTER: We have a $30,000 shortfall in the town
budget, Mr. Mayor.
LOPEZ: We have what?
CHESTER: Thirty. Thousand.
LOPEZ: How much percent is that of our annual?
CHESTER: More than I would like. More than you would
like.

LOPEZ: How’d this happen?
CHESTER: That’s the good news.
LOPEZ: You never said there was good news.
CHESTER: There is.
LOPEZ: Lead with that next time, okay?
CHESTER: The good news is that it’s all from one
situation, and that situation happens to be Fenwood House.

LOPEZ: We’re down $30,000 because of Fenwood?
CHESTER: Yes, because Fenwood is who owes us the
money.
LOPEZ: For what?
CHESTER: It’s all a little complicated. The best way
I can describe it is a licensing fee that
Fenwood pays regularly to Mt. Absalom, and
for some time now Dot Harper has been
refusing to pay it.

LOPEZ: Hm. Doesn’t sound like Dot to me. Always
struck me as an upstanding gal, Dot did.
CHESTER: She hasn’t been quite herself lately. Early
stages of Alzheimer’s, I’m told.

LOPEZ: Oof. Rough one. I’m sorry to hear that.

Trinity knot.

CHESTER: Looks a little...odd to me.

LOPEZ: Agreed. Feels odd, too. Let’s move on. So
instead of claiming the house as eminent
domain you’re suggesting we repossess it?
CHESTER: Of course not. Banks repossess. Governments
repurpose. What I’m suggesting is that we
offer to assume stewardship of the house in
exchange for clearing her debt.

LOPEZ: Uh-huh. Explain to me exactly how clearing
her debt gets us 30-K back out of the hole?
CHESTER: I knew you’d ask me that. One word: Tourism.
LOPEZ: ...yeah, I’m going to need more words than
that.

CHESTER: The point is, and I can show you the
presentation later--the point is that over
time this ends up paying for itself. It’s a
long-term vision.
LOPEZ: My favorite kind.
CHESTER: I know it is.
LOPEZ: Although in the short term you seem to be
glossing over the part where I appear in
front of the town council tonight and beat
up an old woman.

CHESTER: Oh no! No no no no, that’s not the tone you
take at all. I told you, Mr. Mayor. She’s
ailing. We’re taking a burden off of her
hands.

LOPEZ: Sure, that’s how it sounds to us. I’m asking
how it’s going to look to the council. Not
to mention the voters in Columbus or Toledo.

CHESTER: I believe it’s going to look like steadfast
and competent leadership, Mr. Mayor. You
identified a problem that your town needed
fixed. You had your hesitations, of course,
but you needed to think about what was best
for Mt. Absalom as a whole. So you made a
decision that was in the interests of its
citizens. A majority of its citizens.
LOPEZ: I see what you did there, Chet.
CHESTER: I wasn’t trying to hide it, Mr. Mayor.
LOPEZ: “Steadfast and competent leadership.”
CHESTER: Compassionate, also.
LOPEZ: I can work with that. Behold. The Eldredge
knot.

CHESTER: I’m...not even sure how you did that.
LOPEZ: It’s tricky.
CHESTER: It’s perfect.
LOPEZ: Good. I’m glad that’s settled.
CHESTER: You should give it a test drive at the
meeting tonight.

LOPEZ: I suppose I will. (BEAT) You seem like
you’ve
given this a lot of thought, Chet. You’re
not angling for my job, are you?

CHESTER: Well, somebody’s going to have to do it when
you’re in Washington, sir.

LOPEZ: (A GRATEFUL LAUGH) All right, Chet. Talk me
through the approach.

TRANSITION. THE SOUND OF A TOWN
COUNCIL MEETING ALREADY IN


SESSION. A MOSTLY FULL ROOM. A
GAVEL STRIKES A WOODEN BLOCK.

MAUREEN: Let the minutes reflect that the Mt. Absalom
Town Council votes unanimously, six-to-zero,
on Councilman Epstein’s proposal to double
all fines for unattended recreational fires.
Moving on; Bonnie Buckley wished to have
read into the minutes her research on student
athletic centers from the surrounding school
districts. Step up to the mike, Bonnie.

BONNIE: (INTO A PODIUM MICROPHONE) Thank you,
Maureen. As you all know, Mt. Absalom’s
inability to field a regional-caliber team
in any major sport has been a longstanding bee
in my bonnet, and I would like to take this
opportunity to...

BONNIE’S VOICE DROPS TO THE
BACKGROUND; DOT, ABBIE, AND LILY
TO FOREGROUND, EATING CARROT
STICKS.

DOT: “Unattended recreational fires.”
ABBIE: I’m going to name my first album that.
DOT: That’s what you should name your band.
ABBIE: I work solo.
LILY: Sh.
DOT: Sh?
LILY: I thought we were here to observe.

DOT: We’re here to be entertained. Bonnie
Buckley’s ongoing crusade to put together a
high school varsity sports team stopped
being entertaining two years ago.

BONNIE: ...equipment costs notwithstanding, I
learned that lacrosse has been growing in
popularity within the eastern Ohio western
Pennsylvania area...
DOT: But you see what I mean?
LILY: I do. You’re right. It’s compelling and I
don’t know why.

DOT: Think of it as a wellness check on the
town. When all they have to debate and vote
on is silly bullshit, then I know
everything’s going more or less fine.
BONNIE: ...in closing, I urge the members of this
town council to think about what Mt. Absalom
stands to gain with a state-of-the-art
facility, capable of providing our student
athletes with the...

MAUREEN: Bonnie.
BONNIE: Hm?
MAUREEN: Mt. Absalom High School has less than 300
students. We tell you this every time.
BUCKLEY: And how many of them are we under-serving
with our, our pathetic athletics program...!

MAUREEN: Bonnie, please.

BUCKLEY: Maureen...!

GAVEL STRIKE.

MAUREEN: Mrs. Buckley’s findings are entered into
the minutes and I also wish to state for the
record that I’m not interested in having
this discussion again. Most of us here would
agree that we have larger bucks to hunt.

ABBIE: (FROM THE BACK OF THE ROOM, BEMUSED) Huh!
MAUREEN: This brings us to the end of our agenda,
unless anybody has any--

LOPEZ: (FROM THE BACK OF THE ROOM) --Excuse me! Is
this a private meeting or can any mayor
join?

MURMURS FROM THE CROWD.

LILY: Wait, is that--
DOT: --sure is. Always with the grand entrance.
MAUREEN: Edgar! What an unusual surprise.
LOPEZ: Maureen! Do you mind if I tack on a little
proposal before we adjourn?
MAUREEN: It’s a bit irregular, Edgar.
LOPEZ: I know, and I’m sorry. If you’d like, I can
step outside and let you talk it over. Have
yourselves a De Souza’s Des-cussion?

LAUGHTER IN THE ROOM.

MAUREEN: (AMUSED) No, it’s all right. If we can’t
make room for the mayor...please. Step to the
podium and tell us what’s on your mind.
ABBIE: I thought he was away. I’ve been trying to
get an interview with him for weeks.

DOT: Must have just gotten back. He’s constantly
in campaign mode.
ABBIE: Or he’s avoiding me.
DOT: Also possible.
LOPEZ: (PULLING PAPERS FROM HIS SUIT JACKET,
SPEAKING INTO A MICROPHONE) Good evening,
friends. It’s such a thrill to be in a room
with so many of you, and I wish that I was
taking up time on the agenda for less
urgent reasons.

DOT: (MOCKING TONE) “Last night I discovered a
coffee stain on my perfect white teeth.”

LILY: Sh.
LOPEZ: It’s been brought to my attention that Mt.
Absalom has a $30,000 hole in its annual
budget.

MURMURS.

LILY: He doesn’t mean--
LOPEZ: And that this hole is the result of one
business in our community.

LILY: Oh no.
LOPEZ: I am speaking, regretfully, of Fenwood
House, which has for some time failed to submit...

LILY: (RISING IN VOLUME) Now you wait one
goddamn--
DOT: Lily. Don’t.
LILY: Mom!
DOT: Give it a moment.
LOPEZ: ...and I know how respected Dot Harper is in
our community. But respect is not meant to
act as a shield from obligation, and the sum
of money owed by Dot Harper and Fenwood
House is, to be sure, an obligation. (BEAT) In the
past, some have argued that Fenwood House
should be placed under stewardship of Mt.
Absalom by granting it landmark status and
seizing the property under our right of
eminent domain. That is not the argument I’m
here to make today.

DOT: (RISING) Then what are you arguing, Edgar?
LOPEZ: Dot! You’re here after all!
DOT: One might say the same to you.

MURMURS AND A FEW CHUCKLES.
LOPEZ: I’m so relieved we have an opportunity to
discuss this publicly, Dot.


DOT: Are you now.
LOPEZ: Absolutely. You should have the opportunity
to respond to me directly, not to some cold
summary in the minutes.

DOT: That’s kind of you. So what’s this proposal
of yours?

LOPEZ: (CLEARS HIS THROAT) I’m here to propose the
town council adopt a new, five-point plan
to further establish Mt. Absalom as an Ohio
tourism destination.

DOT: And what’s that have to do with me?
LOPEZ: The plan focuses on positioning Fenwood
House and the Mt. Absalom Observatory as two of
our key attractions. I’ve already secured a
pledge from the Mt. Absalom Historical
Society to support the campaign with funds
and personnel in connection to the
observatory. If Dot is willing to grant
control of Fenwood House to Mt. Absalom
for the sake of the tourism plan, I would
then urge the town council to forgive her
considerable debt.

MURMURS.

LILY: (RISING) This is ridiculous.
ABBIE: (RISING) It’s not even a legitimate debt!
LOPEZ: Dot? Did you bring attorneys?

LILY: I’m her daughter Lily.
ABBIE: And I’m an interested party. Abbie Douglas.
Fenwood House resident. They/them.

LOPEZ: Yes, of course. I’ve heard of both of you.
It’s very nice to put names to faces.
ABBIE: Stuff your courtesy, you glad-handing
bureaucrat.

LOPEZ: I appreciate your motivations here, I do.
But I don’t think any of this is your decision.
Dot. Would you be willing to make this
gesture for the good of Mt. Absalom?

DOT: Oh, I see. Yes, this is very clever. You’ve
always been so clever, Edgar. “Everybody
else is following directions.” You’d have
made a fine kindergarten teacher if somebody
hadn’t filled your head with ambition.

LOPEZ: If you have a statement you’d like to make
in response, I’m happy to give you the floor.
DOT: You don’t get to give me the floor, Edgar,
it’s doesn’t belong to you. You want a
statement, I’ll give you a statement. I’m
deeply annoyed, but I’ll do it.

THE ROOM IS VERY SILENT, ENOUGH TO
HEAR DOT’S FOOTSTEPS AS SHE GOES
TO THE PODIUM. MURMURS AS
APPROPRIATE THROUGHOUT THE NEXT
EXCHANGES.

DOT: (AFTER A VERY LONG SILENCE, AND A RUEFUL
CHUCKLE, INTO THE MICROPHONE) Well, shit. I
was so certain I had something about two
dozen footsteps ago. This, this killer
opening line that sounded so good in my head
and now, it just, it sounds ridiculous so
I’m not going to say it. Um. So. Give me a
second.

LOPEZ: Dot. (GETTING NEARER THE MICROPHONE AS HE
SPEAKS) Dot, it’s all right. You don’t have
to. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have thrown down
the gauntlet like that. It’s not fair to
you. I’ve...I’ve heard that you’re not doing
well. About your Alzheimer’s. And I think you
realize that’s why this proposal is for the
best. (DIRECTLY INTO THE MICROPHONE)
Councilmembers, I move that--

DOT: (TAKING THE MICROPHONE BACK) --I asked for
a second, you can give me a goddamn second.
Your time isn’t worth as much as you think
it is, Edgar. Yes. Okay. It’s true. True
enough, anyway. Apparently I owe Mt. Absalom about
$30,000. No. Let’s be crystal fucking clear
what I seem to owe. I, Dorothy Harper, owner
and proprietress of Fenwood House, owe
Mt. Absalom $30,000 in unpaid bribery. Bribery
that I, and my great-uncle Grant, and I
don’t know how many more of my family, paid to
Mt. Absalom in exchange for Fenwood House
being allowed to operate as a brothel, wait,
no, in exchange for Fenwood House being
allowed to exist as a place that an absurd
Ohio statute considers a potential brothel.
Bribery that sometime in the past couple of
years I forgot to pay, because yes, I have
started to forget things like paying my
annual shakedown. And maybe some of you
think that’s beside the point. Mayor Lopez
certainly seems to. Whatever the money
represents, however unfair it might be, it’s
still something I owe to you. Except I don’t
think that’s what I owe you. I don’t think I
owe you $30,000, or the right to pressure me
into giving you a house that’s been in my
family for generations. I don’t owe you
anything except what I’ve always given this
town. What this town has always given me.
Because I don’t think you make a town like
Mt. Absalom out of money. You make it out
of, out of, out of...out of being there. I mean,
for each other. Being there for each other.
All the things you say to each other and the
things you don’t have to say and the
thoughts you might think but you think better of
saying, and the people. The ones who are in
front of you. The ones who would be in front
of you if they could. The ones who might not
even be real people at all, I mean, that is,
never mind, I don’t know what that means.
I’m trying to say that I do owe you. Not $30,000
but I do owe you. For, for, being able to
see all the stars at night, and the celery
festival, and, and, Marisol’s record store,
the Golden Needle, no, I mean, the Golden
Groove, the...1974 Elm Street. The way the
crickets went silent when Rusty kissed me.
De Souza’s Fudge De Ripple in the middle of
August. All of the, all of the things I
haven’t forgotten yet, the things I’m
probably going to, and I’m so sorry. Fenwood
House isn’t a brothel, it never has been,
but I hope that, I hope that it’s been
something else for some of you. I saw so
many of you on Halloween. I was so happy to
see you. I can’t pay Mt. Absalom $30,000. I
can’t pay back my debt so I’m standing here
now and asking that you the debt be
forgiven. I’m asking that I be forgiven, if
there’s anything I’ve ever done that has
made you feel that I wasn’t a part of this
community, that ever made you feel that I
didn’t want to be here. Because I do want to
stay. I want you to let me stay in my house.
I want to make a few more memories here even
if I know I’m going to lose them.

(BEAT)
That’s. I think that’s all.

LILY: (FROM BEHIND DOT) Mom.
ABBIE: (FROM BEHIND DOT) Dot.
DOT: Huh. Hi. Hi Lilybelle. I should probably
stop talking. Mayor Lopez. Take it away.
LOPEZ: I...well. (CLEARS THROAT) That is...
RUSSELL: Excuse me. Can I say something?
MAUREEN: Council recognizes Councilmember Epstein.
RUSSELL: What the hell are you thinking, Edgar?

LOPEZ: I’m...I told you, there’s a budget
shortfall, and...

RUSSELL: It sounds to me like the only reason there’s
a budget shortfall is that this town has
been perpetrating an injustice upon Dot Harper’s
family for generations now.

LOPEZ: That’s certainly debatable, but right now we
have a difficult situation, and it requires
a difficult solution. My plan--

RUSSELL: If this were such a difficult situation
you’d spend more time here working on it
instead of trying to get the rest of Ohio to
make you Senator. If you spent more time in
Mt. Absalom you’d also know that nobody here
is clamoring to have our community overrun
with tourists, especially if it means doing
harm to one of our own most valued members.
Not today, not tomorrow, not while I’m still
sitting here. (BEAT) Do you have anything
you’d like to add, Mr. Mayor?

LOPEZ: No. No, I think I’m done. (CLEARS HIS
THROAT,

SPEAKS INTO MICROPHONE) Um. Councilmembers.
I’d like to at this time withdraw my
proposal.

CHESTER: (FROM BACK OF ROOM) Wait! Mayor Lopez, just
hold on one moment!

LOPEZ: (ANGRILY) I’d like to withdraw my proposal
and I’d like to speak to my deputy mayor
outside. Right now.

MAUREEN: Mayor’s proposal is withdrawn, and I move
this meeting is adjourned.

RUSSELL: Before that I ask that at the next meeting
we discuss a referendum forgiving any debts
owed to the town by Fenwood House.

MAUREEN: Heard and seconded. Meeting is adjourned.

GAVEL STRIKE.

MAUREEN: Good night, all. Safe walks home.
THE SOUNDS OF THE ATTENDEES
SHUFFLING OUT.

DOT: I’m not a hundred percent sure what just|
happened.

LILY: I think you won, Mom.
DOT: Huh. Fancy that. Whoa. Hey. Okay. Watch the
ribs.

LILY: Mom, just take the hug and shut up for a
second, all right?

DOT: Sure. Sure.
ABBIE: (AFTER A MOMENT) Can I ask something? You
said Mayor Lopez is almost never here?
DOT: Even “almost” is an understatement.

ABBIE: He said, “I’ve heard you’re not doing well.”
He said “your Alzheimer’s.” Is this common
knowledge? I thought this wasn’t common
knowledge.

LILY: I haven’t been talking it up. Marisol knows,
but...

DOT: No, that’s fine. We can trust Marisol.
ABBIE: So if we’ve kept it in a small circle then
how does Mayor Lopez, a guy who’s never
here, know that?

DOT: He...must have talked to someone...
ABBIE: Well whoever he talked to broke a handful of
HIPAA laws telling him about it.

LILY/ABBIE/DOT: Chester.
DOT: That snake in the grass. How does he know?
LILY: Mom, who recommended Dr. Laramie to you?
DOT: Nobody. The insurance company.
LILY: Do you remember who you talked to?
DOT: Of course I don’t. Nobody remembers who they
talk to at insurance companies.

LILY: Mom, I’m being serious.
DOT: I’m not. No reason to be. Out in the open
now. Half the town heard him, the other half
will know by end of the week. (SIGHS) I
thought I’d have a little more time before
this part.
LILY: Which part.
DOT: The part where everybody starts treating me
like I have Alzheimer’s. Oh well. Tomorrow,
Lilybelle, would you and Wes please go to
the shelter in Julian and pick up a half-dozen
cats?

LILY: Stop it, Mom.
DOT: Dress for the job you want, right?
LILY: Mom, nobody’s going to treat you as any less
of a person. I won’t let them. Neither Abbie
nor I will let them.

ABBIE: I have no actual control over how people
will treat you.
LILY: Abbie.
ABBIE: But I will certainly try.
DOT: All right. Thank you. (BEAT) I might still
want a half-dozen cats.
LILY: I’m not doing it.
ABBIE: And Wes doesn’t go to Julian.

DOT: Huh. Right.

(BEAT)

We still need to ask him about that, don’t we.

END MUSIC, CREDITS.

POST-CREDITS: The Delphic Order makes charitable contributions to a number of local
organizations including the Mount Absalom Historical Society, the Mount Absalom Public
Library, the Mount Absalom Rotary Club, Mount Absalom High School, and Mount Absalom
Family Medical.